Over the past few days I have been on a steady "diet" of pea soup and lentils. I was told that eating the two would provide me with a lot of fiber which in turn would regulate my bowels. While it didn't do much in terms of regulating my poop schedule, it did something even better. It provided me with enough gas to power up a small generator. Things got especially interesting last night. I was sitting in a recliner watching TV when all of a sudden my stomach started to growl like a hurt animal. Actually, it was more like I was channeling the devil himself. I felt my stomach inflate like a balloon and after a few short moment of severe discomfort it deflated; air silently leaving my body. The gas that escaped my rear orifice was the foulest thing I have ever experienced. It was as if someone had dropped a can of mustard gas into the middle of the living room. My daughter immediately noticed the smell and thought that it was the dog. My initial reaction was to indeed blame the dog but I started to laugh and at that point the cat was out of the bag. My daughter knew immediately who was to blame and the only thing she could say before covering her face with a blanket was "Dude!" The gas attacks continued for about 30 minutes, each time causing my daughter to run out of the room only to come back with a can of air freshener. Things seemed to have calmed down until I went to bed. Then, as it did before, my intestines released one final cloud of gas. This time it smelled like something my cat and dog would co-produce. It was so bad that the cat, which is usually oblivious to my presence, stirred and looked at me giving me that "Guy, what the fuck?" look. Once again I started to laugh hysterically. Needless to say I am done with lentils and pea soup for a while.
